Welcome to Beautiful Brampton!
Recently, there was a poll taken amongst truck drivers who listed Brampton as one of the top five places they will try just about anything to avoid, and we’d like to confirm that the reasons given are entirely true! Ahh, Brampton, where the rules of the road are more suggestions rather than actual laws. Is the light turning red? Don’t worry, you don’t actually have to stop, just put your foot down and away you’ll go! You see there are more cars in this city than there is space on the road so there are often traffic jams, even at 6am! Forget something, or miss your stop or turn? Never mind that, just do a u-turn whenever you feel like it and you’ll soon be back on your way.
We’re very friendly here in Brampton, if you see someone in the back seat of a rubbish car in front of you turn around several times and look back at you, don’t worry, they only want to meet you. How you’ll meet is thus, the person in the backseat is judging how close you are to them, he or she will let the driver know and he or she will then slam on the breaks forcing you to bump into them. They’ll then all pile out of the car, (because they often travel in large numbers), they’ll then feign an injury, but don’t worry about that, it’s merely a conversation starter, and later a car insurance scam because we’re also very well known for that…which is why we have one of the highest car insurance rates in the North America , (possibly the highest).
There’s plenty of shopping, our main shopping mall is almost full with stores, and you’ll never need to search for a trolley, be it slowly rolling across the parking lot, (towards your car), or by the bus stop, you’ll find a trolley anywhere. Trolly’s or if you prefer, shopping carts, run free in Brampton!
We’ve spent millions and years to clean up our quaint downtown area, just ask one of our ambassadors, Gail the dead hooker, or perhaps one of her colleagues, Scrappy Doo, Sideshow Bob, or possibly the BMX Pimp, although he’s not been seen for a while. If none of these lovely ladies are unavailable you will find no end of local character hanging outside the methadone clinic, (that we quietly moved in while moving out the soup kitchen). Further afield of the downtown core, we got rid of the strip clubs and added park benches, (to give the ladies of Queen & Kennedy a place to sit in between jobs).
Want to live here? We have plenty of McMansions to purchase, (please ignore the fact that they are classified as detached but are so close to one another that only a very thin cat can squeeze through). Can’t afford one of these cookie cutter monstrosities? Don’t worry, we’re also the capital of illegal basement apartments.
So come to Brampton! You’ll never be happier to leave!